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iknownoses
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Interests: sleeping:: WRITING :: walking barefoot:: singing my sentences:: spanish films:: reading:: QUOTES :: dreaming :: cuddling:: black and white cards :: laughing :: Brownies:: STUDENT SERVICES :: taco loco’s mushroom tofu burgers :: successfully walking, talking, and eating :: holding hands :: spending time with the fam:: nites of nothingness :: NOSES!
Expertise: hurling to the ground at velocities beyond my control.
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/22/2004
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| my dads an asshole. his asshole demeanor is deep rooted in his fucked up family. secrets were withheld and love wasn't shown. my mom's amazing. i'll do whatever i can, on a daily basis, to make her happy. most of the time i dont get screwed in the process. this time i did. and that is not okay. and the result: i feel like a bitch for telling her that getting screwed is not okay. i'm the savior. i dont mind being one. ive realized my responsibilities, however impractical, long ago and then made the decision that i'd be there to the rescue always. only always doesnt seem logical anymore. i need to watch out for me. dont screw yourself in the process rachel. you need to watch out for whats best for you. and to see your family suffer? not okay. so you'll continue to cover their asses because thats what you do for family. thats what builds character. but thats also what digs holes. i'm crazy and i hate realizing it. i'm sometimes irrational and hate the moment that i realize i am, the moment that more often than not it too late in the game to step back and start over. irrational crying and reasoning sucks and i hate that i'm not a stronger person. im not a stronger person. when something sucks in my family im going to cry about it. when something sucks in my life im going to talk about it. and vent. and cry. and beat myself up. and kick myself. and lash out at unsuspecting friends. im going to. not because its at all appropriate, but because thats whats going to happen. thats whats all leading up to me then regaining control of my life, reassessing the situation and then handling it. its always been the process. ever since my ever so emotional breakdown days of freshmen yr in college when life seemed to give me life beating after life beating. when i was expected to have grown up to some extent all the while realizing life was hard and sucked ass. and the only thing that crosses my mind when thinking about that year is that i wish i did this more. i liked the daily rantings of the 18 year old, possibly because that 18 year old didnt work 10 hour days only to return home to sleep. and up until this week, or maybe this week, for whatever reason, prompted some pivitol event that launched my fuck you week. i hate that i have 4 hours alone in my car everyday to bitch to myself about the suckiness of lifes bitches. i hate that this week started out so hellish that i only attempted to fufill my self-fufilling prophecy of making it worse. and then for the parent ish to explode in my face come saturday. not okay. i am not okay. so whats next? get over it. clean your life up. stop bitching about the crap. figure it out. clean your room and your car- the consistently frustrating task that pisses you off on a daily basis. get your shit done. dont stress. DONT OVEREXTEND. dont be the savior. dont save anyone else but you. pick up the peices and move on. | | |
| is he dating her? that would suck. here i am, having once again, for
the hundredth time, decided that i am officially over him, and then
realize that he might be dating her. why does that strike me down so
harshly? why does knowing that i can't have him, and someone else
actually having him, bring such drastically different feelings? why
can't i just find that person already that will forever block him out?
it's for that reason, the lack of the other, that kills me whenever he
can't be mine, or worse- is another's.
and why has he been on my mind so much lately? is it because i've been
drunk more often in the past month than i have in the last six? i'm
leaning towards yes. he's basically the only one that i would think to
contact nowadays. but why? i hope knowing that he very possibly has a
gf will stop me. but why would it if that very same fact doesn't stop
him?
i'm hoping this will all go away in the semi-near future. here i am,
just like 35 said, not necessarily obsessed with, but conscious of, my
single state. i don't want to be coupled with him (using lora's
terminology) anyway. so why care? dammit. if only it was so easy to
stop thinking about him. if only, for whatever reason, i hadnt been
thinking about him lately. and not even in a relationship sort of way,
but in a want to hang out with him way. maybe it's just because he's my
friend and i miss him. maybe it is simply because no one else is
around. that being said, i'd most likely choose him over the
alternatives.
and how would i even know if he was single or not. he wouldnt tell me,
not unless it was really serious, but even then i dont know how
truthful he would be. it definitely wouldnt be to his benefit if he
knew i knew he had a gf. no good.
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| "my life"
the soon to be eighteen year old brother coined the phrase "my life" to
describe a sucky situation, something that would only happen in "my
life", with the emphasis on "my", said matter-of-factly. when he
reached his concert without his tickets, "my life" was the first thing
that crossed his mind. when i arrived home from a 12 hour day to find
that mom decided against making my all-time favorite dinner as
promised, "my life". lately my life has been pretty my life, and said
correctly, this statement speaks wonders in my family.
lately my life has been tough- i've taken on the responsibilities and
hours of a full time therapist, primarily because i've become a full
time behavior therapist. gulp. i, at near 23 years of age, am set. i
have this amazing job, and for the first time in my life, am
financially comfortable. (that is until i start thinking about school
loans and future grad school payments).
but this job of mine is far from easy. i don't know what the payout is,
not that there needs to be substantial one. it's a great learning
process for me though, but it's also a consistent test of mind and
ability, of strength and passion. this job is definitely for me.
at least that's what i'd like to believe. i have a great bit of faith
in myself that i am capable of my current job. but, because of the
person i am, i consistently question my emotional and intellectual
strength. i'm in these people's homes on a daily basis; intruding upon
their lives, spending time with their kids, praying that what i'm doing
with them is helping their kids function and communicate more
effectively.
and there are plenty of days that i just feel lost. some behavior has
just presented that i am completely incapable of addressing: what are
the reactive strategies? what were the preventative measures? what the
hell do next before this behavior is reinforced? or, this kid isn't
talking, not even making attempts: how do i work to make sure that he
uses communication at some point in his life? how do i reassure the
parents that i am doing everything i can, when inactuality i sometimes
feel lost.
and then there are my 'holy shit' days. the days that take from me
everything possible. these are the days that 'holy shit' is repeatedly
heard in my head as i drive home. 'holy shit. holy shit. HOLY shit.
holy SHIT. holy shit.' these are the days that i race to the end, pray
that i'll land safely as i crash on my bed and cry. these are the days
that my emotional stability is tested. the days that i failed at
becoming emotionally involved, or the days that i somehow caught a
glimpe of how hard life actually is for the families i work with.
yesterday was a holy shit day. yesterday was an emotional wreck day.
only coincidentally did i earn the montly employee recognition on this
particular holy shit day. not for a job well done, but for the amount
of hours worked. 'congrats, you worked a lot. we're not going to say
that you really contributed anything, but wow! did you work a lot.' not
really. i know they appreciated my work on the rigorous task that added
15+ hours to my weekly schedule. i know they asked me because they knew
that i was capable. i know they recognized me because i deserved to be
recognized. especially on the soon to be holy shit day.
and yesterday was the worst. i've been trying to reason with myself
that being a girl has a lot to do with it. i, if given good
reason, will become an emotional wreck. when faced with these real,
disappointing, mind numbing, life altering issues, i may or may not
break down, just as any loving individual would. i, however, may not be
able to handle it very effectively. i may cry and feel completely
overwhelmed, and question my ability, and then theres the very small
chance that i'll question my occupation.
this job is tough. this job is real. this job is rewarding, but only in
the positive light? do i have to discount all the crappy, true life,
depressing parts of the job in order to feel like i can function as an
employee? lately i feel like i need a boyfriend, someone that's
obligated to listen to my cute and also sad parts of my days. i guess
thats not the only reason a boyfriend would be good, but since i'm
working all the time it makes the most sense. because lately, until
yesterday with the emotional train wreck, i've felt like i shouldnt
dump all my work problems on whoever's around- mom and shauna. i know
they care and will genuinely listen but i feel like it's mine to
handle. and part of keeping the days' happenings to myself is
therapeutic- don't dwell, just keep going- not with the crazy intense
stuff, just the random stories i can save from their ears. i wouldnt be
able to do this job without them. someone i can go to, can cry to, and
simply say 'this sucks! this job's hard and it hurts to see some of
these things. i'm emotionally and physically drained and just need to
vent!' and i do. and they listen. and most of the time, i feel better.
and if that doesnt work, i rant in unorganized thought to random xanga
readers.
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| ok so my brains running at 1000 miles per minute. i can feel teh blood rushing thru my body. ive crashed and it scks. this is total burn out. i can barelyfunction, im exhausted, totally distraught and cant wait for my break next week. i need to freaking calm down. im prety sure i need to cry. i feel like im going crazy and hate that im not strong enoguh to fix this right now.
this week has been emotionally, physically, and everythingly draining. at this point i feel cracked out. i can barely type but know that i need to, know that i need to regroup to face yet another week.
i hate that i had to work so hard this week just so that i could go camping and to vegas. i love that i have absolutely amazing friends that id make such sacrifices for, but wow am i exhausted. i feel like this week beat the shit out of me. the fact that i was unable to process the daeth of my uncle, and the emotions of my mom having lost her brother until the end of the week at which point an emotioanl breakdown was inevitable disgusts me.
i just spent 500 on a ticket back east for the services. health insurance is draining my account every month, and nothing is beign saved for australia. this just sucks..i just need to turn off my brain,. stop thinking abotu all this shit. i
dotn want to talk to anyone about it because itd just be griping about
the situation i put myself in.
its so hard to make it thru a week that is perpetually exhausting. i love my jobs- every single one with all of my heart, and love how i feel after a day with my kids, but right now, this week, i just culdnt take it anymore. im in such a good place right now, thank God for the amazing opps ive had this year, love that im loving it, and even more that my part time position turning into full time in the very near future excites me to no end. but getting there is hard. i want a break, a long long break. a break longer than the week off, with half of it spent traveling to maryland.
i hate that i just feel completely vulnerable right now, and that im not a stronger person. i understand that workign 3 jobs is stupid, and i knew what i was getting myself into, and that i would be exhausted, and i know that great things are going to come from me having taken this new position but holy fuck, talk about emotional beat down. this is totally testing my strength and i love Him for that, and that this new and amazing job virtually dropped in my lap, and that i would quit any one of these jobs if it wasnt for my absolute love for all of them, and i wouldnt ever admit any of this if it wasnt for the fact that a ton of shit on top of my busy week happened that i didnt even have timeto react to. i think the ventings over. i might feel a bit better now.
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| Every
19 year old girl wants the perfect life- the boyfriend, the clothes,
the friends, the time, the money, the family, the opportunities, the
luck. Some 19 year old girls want to believe that they have the worst
life- the sorrowful lonely life, the
need-to-have-a-job-so-she-can-go-to-school life, the misfortune, the
stress, the anxiety, the unsure future. Every 19 year old girl simply
wants.
What kind of life do you think she has? She
grew up in a city known for its afluence ('everyone's rich'), the
second child to young parents. Both her parents worked, she grew up
with Dio- the nanny, Sylvia- the neighbor, Maureen- the best friend's
mom. She had her own room, a pool, a playhouse, a play room, two
cats. She had a brother that would do anything for her, parents that
loved her, the perfect life.
When she was five her parents had a baby. he
would grow up to be her best friend, her comfort, her crying shoulder.
at eight her family moved. she lost the room, the pool, the playhouse,
the best friend, the nanny, the neighbor, the cats. she lost her
childhood. she lived with grandmas, she lived with aunts. she stopped
talking. she stopped going to school. she stopped smiling. she stopped
caring. everyone told her to stop crying.
so she did. she lost hope, lost years, lost
dignity. she lost friends, lost strength, lost trust. but she didnt let
anyone know. she lost herself when she was eight.
she never had a boyfriend-boyfriend, was never asked to 'dinner and a movie,' was never sent flowers.
she went to school, went to work, babysat,
cooked, cleaned, cried. her money bought her clothes, her books, her
fun. later she would use the money to pay for her parents mistakes.
years later she'd try to make up for it by
thanking her parents. they never knew she cried so much, they never
expected her to love them so much.
she's now 19.
she has the perfect life. |
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